Everyone, I wish you a lucky start to the new year.

Thank you very much for the kind emotional support you all have been showing me as of late. As a general update, I am now on copious medication once more. I might be one of those people who will never make it through life without a little bit of chemical assistance for my defunct brain. It's letting me catch my zen and slow down, and just breathe. I am in a much better state now than I was just a day ago, which is excellent!

I'd rather come back earlier with less content to show than later with more content. The purpose of the hiatus was to catch my breath again and remember why I do art, which I have, so I see no reason why I can't share my art with everyone now. So I posted up the bits and bobs I did over the hiatus that I thought might be interesting to some people. I have to say, it's a lot more motivating to work when you think you've got such artistically (and emotionally) supportive friends. I am working on a handful of things that take priority, but I miss drawing Sylvie, so after I get a couple of required things out of the way expect lots of her. Werewolf form specifically, teehee. Awoo!

I divided my gallery into three subgalleries; 'before', which is the older stuff, and 'after', which is the newer stuff. Also, lines, for my beloved colorists. It should make things pretty easy to navigate. Thanks for being patient with me in my absence, but I'm ready to get the ball rolling again.

-Jingles


Commission Me:[link]
All work posted here on deviantART is (c) 2010 Al Lukehart :

Thank you very much to those who responded. Even though this is an internet journal, I find it interesting that the most unexpected of people are stepping up to the plate when the shit hit the fan, which it has. So, to those of you who took the time to respond, thank you very, very much for listening and actually caring. Even here on the nebulous amplitude of the internet it's becoming quickly clear which friendships I should pursue.

Please ignore if you are just watching me for art updates, this journal is unrelated to that. This also gets kind of heavy for the holidays; the reason I posted it is pretty selfish, so I won't be upset if no one replies.

I had started writing this whole huge spiel explaining my brain to whoever is reading this, but then I realized how pointless trying to explain it is. That's how intense this feeling of hopelessness is. So, here comes the super-condensed version. Let's face it, who really wants to sign on to deviantART to read about this kind of crap? I'll make it as brief as I can.

I suffer from bipolar disorder, severe clinical depression, and a panic disorder that terrorizes my life with a ferocity most people will, thankfully, never know themselves. In order to function as a semi-'normal' human being (and I say semi-normal intentionally, with 'normal', of course, referring to my personal standard), I have been medicated pretty heavily. I am currently in-between medications, which I hope is the reason for the shit hitting the fan recently. The bipolar aspect causes me to flip-flop between extreme happiness and extreme depression rapidly (these giant mood swings fluctuate in their half-life). When I am severely depressed, I put up a joyful façade. The end result? Constant happiness.

Most people who 'know' me insist I am one of the most cheerful people they've ever met. They're right; more than half of the time, it's genuine good cheer. The other half is a desperate survival maneuver crafted over the years to keep my precious friends from running for the hills. So, to those of you who are finding me hard to get ahold of this month, I'm so sorry. I've been getting oodles of e-mails, text messages, and calls about hanging out now that I'm back up at home, and I just can't do it like I thought I would be able to. I went from 180mph to 0 in a snap of fingers, and I'm having severe issues with the enormous ups and downs of the stress levels in my life. Please understand this is not personal - I just can't do it right now. Even something that is joyful for me (hanging out with friends) involves even a minimal amount of planning and for some odd reason I am incapable of adhering to that right now. (I am only working one job up here over the holidays, but it's also a very time-consuming one. That is another factor.)

I'm really hard to get into contact with; this is nothing new. The flip-flop of the bipolar means that I'm either enthusiastic as all hell about life (and a social butterfly) or ready to fling myself bodily off a bridge with no provocation (a social recluse). To explain some of this, I took excerpts out of my, uh, diary. Yeah, I keep a diary, but it's only for when I'm surrounded by people but am the definition of alone.

<sub>I am nineteen years old. When I was ten years old, I had my first panic attack. It was late at night. As I lay down to sleep, something strange happened. It all began with a sudden shortness of breath, which rapidly multiplied into a feeling that I was going to die within five minutes. I rushed to my parent's room, flung myself onto their bed, and busted into horrified tears. I pretty much confessed all of the sins I could think of and then lay there waiting to die. My mother couldn't figure me out. My father growled at me to go back to sleep and rolled over to go back to bed. I felt:
Shortness of breath.
Heart palpitations that patter in my chest like a frantic child's feet.
Uncontrollable and surreal trembling.
Dizziness -- forget standing up.
Chest pain that incites confusion; am I having a heart attack?
Perspiration. The back of my shirt is soaked with sweat.
Hot flashes; why is my body temperature doing this?
Headache. It's the least of my problems.
Derealization. Where the fuck am I?
Paresthesia; my hands feel like little prickly needles are in them!
Hyperventilation; I can't get enough air!
Nausea; am I going to lose my dinner?
Vertigo.
Lightheadedness -- I'm giggly, because I'm going to die.
Burning sensations in the heart.
Choking sensations around the throat.
Fear of dying.
A feeling of being trapped, no matter how clearly free I am.
A desire to call 911 -- who else can help me?
Fear of insanity.
Imagine those feelings manifesting themselves in one heady, horrible rush every single night for nine years. That's my life. That was me last night, and it will be me again tonight. They come like clockwork. Get this; if I miss a panic attack, I get so panicked about missing it that I end up having one. They vary in strength; not every night has all of the above symptoms (when I have a panic attack with all of those symptoms, which happens about once a month for some hellish reason, I call it my 'mega monthly monster' ). These symptoms are interpreted with great alarm by me, understandably I think, and usually result in another aftershock panic attack.

Anxiety attacks are crippling my life.</sub>

I won't get into the depression or bipolar aspects.

On the surface, life is good. I am a successful student making good marks at an established and respected university. I have a huge social network that is entirely based in real life - a tangible circle of friends. I am well-liked for some inexplicable reason. But for the life of me, I often wonder who my real friends really are. My personal standard of friendship is a responsibility, on my end. If my friend is in need, it's my duty to support them as best I can. But I think now, with the dawn of the Facebook friend, the meaning has become cheapened. (Let me say now that I don't have a Facebook or a Myspace - I'm a dinosaur who believes that it's ruining our generation, blahblahblah, ask me about it sometime but not right now. xD) Not everyone believes that a friendship is a kind of self-imposed responsibility (one born of love) anymore. You can just drop a sentence on someone's Facebook wall, instead of dropping them a line. (Okay, hating on Facebook stops now.) When a person drops hints in conversation about being depressed or their life's difficulties (especially the ones that feel unsolvable), that is a blatant cry for help. One that for me, has been answered only twice. (Note that I love the people who've answered that call more than anything on the planet. I least expected it from these people, too.)

None of my 'friends' are willing to listen, it feels like, so I've been living by a suicide hotline these past three weeks. I feel closer to that anonymous voice on the end of the other line than I do to my best friend. And that's okay. We live in an exhausting, fast-paced world. Solving one's own problems, let alone tackling another person's, is the bravest and most exhausting task one can take on. Why, then, have I, the most emotionally crippled person I know, taken on so many charges? How then, can people who live exponentially simpler lives emotionally than me, (I am thinking of specific people here) not help me when I'm begging for it? Just some food for thought, I'm sure some of you have felt the same way.

I care about my friends and I guess I want to feel cared about on more than just a superficial level. It's important for me to add the disclaimer that this isn't all of my friends, of course, just the overwhelming majority.

A lot of my friends are decidedly unwilling to get into this. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel resentful towards this section of people, because the ones I'm thinking of are those for whom I've sat down and taken a mental bullet, so to speak. This holiday season is both wonderfully good and astounding horrible. I tried to off myself the other day, and sang the world's praises not three hours later. I've been drawing productively and simultaneously breaking down into shrieking hysterics over the stupidest things imaginable. I sleep nonstop, my classic escapist move, and the panic attacks have gotten so bad that I literally cannot function as a semi-'normal' person (with normality being my subjective view on functionality and productivity as I know I should be, well, capable of). I have to prove I can be more stable before next week or my mother hospitalizes me again.

I'm going stop this verbal vomit now before it gets too excessive; if I really wanted the whole internet to know about the intimate details of my mental processes I'd post the fifty-seven page depression diary. Haha. I wish Sylvie was real and could kick my mental monster's butts!

I go into surgery this upcoming month for a physical ailment. Nervous! I hate surgeries. Anyways, to change gears like my mood has just changed, everyone have a Merry Christmas! I am really excited for this year's excellent holiday. I am drawing productively despite myself and I miss you all. (Wow, sometimes my mood swings make themselves apparent even in just one journal entry.) Thanks so much for being my listening ear just now, I really need it. Be safe!


Commission Me:[link]
All work posted here on deviantART is (c) 2010 Al Lukehart :

Hey, guys!

Hope that no one caught the winter blues this chilly December. I can't wait for Christmas! Every year I get ridiculously excited for the holiday season. Do you guys get really excited for Christmas too?

I can't wait to catch this break; tomorrow I drive back up to be with the family for a long break. I need it really badly. I feel like an art automaton down here (or is that "artomaton")? I think I'm almost ready to come back and post work here on dA again. ^-^ I just needed the mental break from other people's expectations for a bit (or at least, what I ended up perceiving as being expectations).

I've done a lot of academic drawing and exercises down here. I worked on a handful of different things, focusing especially on anatomy. If you guys notice anything different about my art, it'll probably be fairly subtle. I'm happy, though, because I feel exponentially more confident in my anatomy now. Haha! Even though they worked us to the bone, it was worth it.

Sylvie's been howling for me to draw her more often, and I found a way to draw her face that expresses her stern, sharp side successfully without making her look too masculine. (Which for a built female character can be hard! I keep thinking about seeing cute anime faces pasted on top of these hard-bodied ladies... ugh! Haha!)

So anyways, tl;dr, I don't have too much to show you guys yet. But when the time is right, and the time is approaching, I'll upload some of my schoolwork (whatever I felt like photographing XD!) and start to upload pictures again like normal.

In other news, AniméUSA was great this year as usual. Met a lot of really nice new friends! It was a wild, fast-paced and delightful experience that was so wonderful and precious to me that it can't be described in words (like usual). That is by far my favorite convention - both to work and attend. Shout out to everyone I met at AUSA, friends old and new!

So, that's what's been going on in my life right now I guess. I feel like there's a lot more to discuss, but I don't know where to start so I'll just nip it in the bud and ask how you are doing! How is everyone? Do you miss me, or have you forgotten me?


Commission Me:[link]
All work posted here on deviantART is (c) 2010 Al Lukehart :

I appreciate that you guys appreciate me! Thank you so much for supporting me throughout my artistic journey. I will do my best to impress when I come back! So far, most of the improvements have been subtle. It's nothing overtly flashy or astounding, although my coloring skills have gotten exponentially better out of nowhere. It's a pleasant surprise, but one that makes no sense to me, because I've been focusing on anatomy mainly! How strange? A lot of what I upload when I come back will be classwork and sketchdumps, and not too many nice, shiny finished pieces... I hope this is okay with everyone!

Also, I love Digimon. I just... gah. Sometimes I'm rejuvenated in an interest in an old thing, and I have always loved Season 3. It showed at a point in my youth when I was very emotionally malleable and impressionable; Renamon was my hero. I used to pretend she was my Digimon partner and would protect me from the crippling panic attacks that haunted me at night! She would save me! Who else likes Digimon? The first three -- AND ONLY THREE -- people who respond to this journal who like Digimon (bonus points if it's Season 3!) will get a free quick sketch of their original Digimon character (the Digital Monster itself, not the tamer). You don't necessarily need to have a reference picture, but it'll make it go quicker. xD

DIGIMON SKETCHES

1.) For -- my take on Rookie-level plushy rat Digimon, Pringomon!



You know... and I used to do this amazing Digimon RP. It's probably one of my favorites I've ever played in. I really miss you, Ant! Let's all try to send him good karma. ~squints and concentrates~ YAY GOOD THOUGHTS!

After that unrelated interlude, we bring you back to your regularly-scheduled programming!

College is so competitive. An analogy; we the illustration students (note that in my college, Illustration is by far and away the most brutal of the departments available!) are like piranhas, and our goal is the capybara carcass that is our degree! We will bite each other to get it! I have very little time for fun things, but I do insist on making time to sneak on deviantART and talk to my treasured friends you guys! So please forgive my flakiness right now.

AniméUSA, like usual, I'll be at the How to Draw Manga-style panel! Please come join me. I am high-energy, talkative, and bouncy. (I also know what I'm talking about, I promise!) I will answer any questions to the best of my ability, nerd out about anime with you, and hopefully spark an interest in the casual hobbyist to pursuing any kind of art with your whole heart. I always meet the best people at this panel; there are so many artistic gems in the audience who don't even realize their talent..! I have to enlighten them! After these panels, I end up adding so many new artists to my watchlist.

and I will hopefully be going as matching kittygirls this year. Yin and yang cats! It should be very cute, she's so pretty! (Please realize I do not in any way adhere to the 'catgirl' subculture of animé -- I dress up like one because it makes me feel cuddly, and also to parody some of the behaviors of the more ridiculous stereotypes in the convention world. xD)

What's been going on in your life? Anything interesting? Are any of you having a kind of rough time of it this year, too? If so, I'm a listening ear if you want to talk about it. I can probably empathize. Is anyone's birthday coming up?

Commission Me:[link]
Art Blog: [link]
Writing Blog: [link]
Art Policies: [link]

The 24th. Maryland. Be there. [link]

Yeah, it's this upcoming weekend.

Commission Me:[link]
Art Blog: [link]
Writing Blog: [link]
Art Policies: [link]